Advice for the Evil Overlord

Sep 5th

2012

Advice for the Evil Overlord

Thinking of creating that perfect super villain? Found some great advice for the fledgling evil lord. Here is a sampling of the top 100 things to look out for:

If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord

  • My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
  • My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  • I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
  • One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
  • The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
  • I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
  • I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
  • When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
  • Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
  • I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless – my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
  • If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.

Ah, what a cliched world we live in… You can see the whole list here.

The Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach