Advice for the Evil Overlord
Thinking of creating that perfect super villain? Found some great advice for the fledgling evil lord. Here is a sampling of the top 100 things to look out for:
If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord
- My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
- I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
- I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless – my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
- If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
Ah, what a cliched world we live in… You can see the whole list here.
The Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach